Overrated Chocolate Bars: Review from a Chocolate Lover

Has the taste of chocolate in the UK chocolate bar grown increasingly insipid? I used to like the chocolate bars displayed on the shop counters: Kit Kat, Twix, Minstrels and so forth, but nowadays, I eat them for the sugar rush, floundering for the chocolate flavor, then immediately regret eating them for the disappointment.

Has the Recipe of Chocolate Bars Changed?

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These high street chocolate bars taste more like sweet milk, bland. And as for the ‘layer’ of chocolate over the nougat or biscuit, about as thick as one micron, could you really technically call it a ‘chocolate’ bar? More like mostly-milk-sugar-biscuit with one milligram of chocolate included.

I can still taste other foods like I used to, but now find myself opting for the posh chocs like Thornton’s, (I luv them Sevilles)  Green & Blacks or Marks & Spencer’s selection rather than touch the bars on offer at the supermarket counter. But of the bad bunch, Cadbury’s are still the best.

Milk chocolate remains my favourite. But I feel chocolate really comes into its own when combined with another ingredient like hazelnuts, orange or a little biscuit. Similarly, beef isn’t so interesting on its own; it needs a little mustard or horseradish sauce to bring it out. So what is going on with the chocolate bar in supermarkets with the nuts, biscuit and caramel? They don’t have much chocolaty taste, and like they certainly don't taste like they used to.

Here’s my List of Overrated Chocolate Bars in the UK.

Bounty Bar: chocolate over coconut flakes that loses flavor so quickly, it feels more like flaked skin caught between the teeth. Wait a minute, perhaps I had just chewed a fingernail!

Minstrels: The shells are more brittle than flaked bone and the chocolate taste sought after is washed away quicker than shit in a rainstorm.

No Chocolate Flavor

Snickers: The Marathon of olde. Peanuts glued together with a brown paste that sticks to your teeth along with a broken nut or two – or was that a filling that just came out? Never mind, just wash it down with hot tea then let the plaque commence!

Ditto for Lion Bar, Picnic, Star Bar, Toffee Crisp, Topic and Double Decker only with various blends of nougat, rice crispies, nuts, biscuit and bits of dried fruit designed to snuggle into every crevasse of your mouth. I wouldn’t mind this so much, if I didn’t mourn for the chocolate taste. Where did the chocolate go? Nothing but a sweet sludge on the tongue!

Maltesers: An inferior version of the Crunchie, without any chocolate flavour only a gluey maltcomb centre that sticks around longer than a fart smell in a lift.

Revels: Once my childhood favourite, but now, is a parody of itself. Once, the centres were the whole point of Revels. The orange centre was once the best. Now it is an overstatement with a chemical aftertaste. Not a good combination with that gluey maltcomb, bits of nut and dried fruit. And there are hardly any in a packet! What a swizz! Shame on you, Revels!

Twix: Come on, it’s not a chocolate bar, it’s 99.99999% biscuit and caramel, and 0.00000001% chocolate. No chocolate flavour to speak of, only very bland biscuit and an overly-sweet caramel. Ditto for Breakaway and Penguin,

Kit Kat: See above, only with a slightly thicker chocolate coating. Nice if you happen to get a rogue one that has no biscuit, only choc.

Milky Way: Texture like polystyrene that slides between your teeth, leaving a weird aftertaste. Good for wallpapering perhaps.

Smarties: Yes, the orange ones used to taste the best, but not anymore. The shells seem more brittle than of old and the chocolate tastes like the Easter egg chocolate that is 'flavored' rather than real chocolate.

Bournville: Please, it’s just medicine for upping your iron count, isn’t it? At least this one hasn’t changed in decades. But then, who cares?

Mars: Toffee with that Milky Way polystyrene that turns to sludge in your trap. Has a loyal following but I no-like. Best stick it in fried breadcrumbs like they do up North or feed it to the pigeons.

Yorkie: Not chocolaty. Just very sweet, very brown and very chunky. Like a Chippendale without the brawn.

Galaxy: Silky, melting, like their seductive adverts but leaving an insipid, milky taste. Shame. The Galaxy caramel is simply....sickly. Ditto for Rolos and chocolate eggs (filled I believe with white and yellow icing sugar).

Milky Bar: Revoltingly sweet and milky. Well, it is a milky bar after all. But it’s not white chocolate. It’s just....well white – or rather an off-white buff. A buff ‘chocolate’ bar without the chocolate.

The Best Chocolates out of a Bad Bunch

Aero, Wispa, chocolate buttons, Ripple, Flake, Drifters and Crunchie (although the honeycomb centre sticks like glue). At least they have some flavor of chocolate that lingers longer than most.

The Truth About Chocolate Bars

It seems the consumer can be fooled by adverts: the suggestion, the colour of the wrapper, the appearance of the bar, the product description and worst of all, the ‘retro bar’ label. It’s been there since my childhood, therefore it is an old favorite. Only, it isn't anymore. The recipe has changed.

But let’s take all that away. The taste buds have the last say. Chocolate bars have changed in my opinion and I have heeded my taste buds. I rarely buy those chocs from the supermarket like I used to. I have decided to go upmarket. Maybe it is because I am a chocolate lover that I have decided to give up on the chocolate bar found on the supermarket counters.

Pluvial Flood Insurance Claims Rise Due to Building on Floodplains in the UK

If your house was suddenly flooded, would you know what to do? Most of the population are unaware that their homes are in fact at risk of being flooded simply because the house is not in valley, near a river or the sea. Because of this, a flood risk assessment had not been taken upon buying the property. The frightening fact is, most people who are at risk of being flooded are unaware that their home could be sitting in a flood plain.

Flood Insurance Risk Quote

Building on Floodplains in Nuneaton

Over five million people in the UK are at risk of being flooded (about 1 in 6), and this figure is set to rise due to the Coalition’s relaxation on building regulations in 2011. With over 400,000 houses being built in the UK, builders are taking a land-grab approach and building on unsuitable land, including flood plains. Getting flood insurance might be difficult if your home has been built on a floodplain that has had past flooding.

Causes of Flooding to Property

With changes in the UK’s climate resulting in higher rainfall, coupled with thousands of properties being built, flooding in properties is bound to increase. At present, the annual cost of flooding is over £1billion.This will stretch buildings insurance to the limit and create higher insurance quotes for homeowners. Is it any surprise when 210,000 homes have been built on England’s floodplains in between 2001 to 2011, 38.000 of which are in areas of serious flood risk? (Inside Housing.co.uk)

Causes of flooding to properties in this country are:

High rainfall, the sea, rivers overflowing, surface water, groundwater, burst pipes, overflowing ditches and drainage channels.

These can cause two types of flooding: Pluvial and fluvial. Fluvial is caused by an overflowing river or dams bursting, causing water to flow into another area. This type of flooding has occurred in towns and cities banking rivers, streams or the sea.

A pluvial flood is caused when the water table rises due to lots of rain or run-off, causing floodwater to rise through the ground. A pluvial flood is less dramatic than the fluvial flood, but is no less devastating to see water seep through the foundations of your home or an encroaching lake on your back lawn. The fluvial flood is typical of that found on flood plains, the subject of this article.

Is Your Home on a Floodplain?

The terrible thing about building on flood plains is that the homeowners are unaware of the flood risk simply because there are no lakes or rivers close by. The irresponsible and greedy builders have built on a flood plain because of relaxed building laws thanks to the Coalition government. This means the local councils do not have to report cases of ignorance to the Environment Agency. Many building developments in this country are happening on unsuitable land.

A Need for Increased Flood Insurance in the UK

Flood Insurance Increase in UK

All it takes are several wet winters of water seepage into the foundations of your home to disturb the foundations, causing hairline cracks in the plaster and ceiling. Erosion in the mortar will cause cracking in the cement. Land with high clay content cannot absorb the water and so the water will sit unseen beneath the flooring sand driveways. As the water freezes, it expands, creating wider cracks and further damage to the property.

One day, the water will find its way further into the property, causing carpet damage and burst pipes due to shifting walls. All of this is because the house has been built on a flood plain.

Flood Risk Assessment Report in the UK

With relaxed laws on building, more homes are being built on floodplains. Coupled with increased rainfall in the UK, the consequences can only be disastrous for millions of homeowners. Increase in buildings insurance and costs in repairs can only cause further misery. By then, the builders have lined their pockets, ready to move on to another floodplain.

Articles about Flooded Homes Built on Flood Plains

Time lapse video of home being built on floodplain

Horrendous building developments in Nuneaton

the government's disastrous housing planning strategy

http://ampp3d.mirror.co.uk/2014/02/12/the-scandal-of-200000-homes-built-on-flood-plains/

http://www.insidehousing.co.uk/ihstory.aspx?storycode=6525904

http://maps.environment-agency.gov.uk/wiyby/wiybyController?x=357683.0&y=355134.0&scale=1&layerGroups=default&ep=map&textonly=off&lang=_e&topic=floodmap

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/greenpolitics/planning/10673924/We-want-to-make-it-harder-to-build-on-flood-plains-says-Nick-Boles.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/environment/nature/the-more-the-experts-warn-against-the-more-we-build-on-flood-plains-9101710.html

Government Cuts go Too Far: Unfair Cuts to Services for Vulnerable People

Since this country has acquired the national debt, this government seems only keen to balance the books by any old means whatsoever. So what if some old bloke in sheltered housing will have no warden to check if he has eaten all day? So what if some troubled youths will have nowhere to go but an abusive home or fall back into drug abuse? So what? Let’s balance the books so that we can look good for the next election!

Unfair Cuts to Voluntary Organizations

Cuts in Public Funding

There are real stories behind these horrendous cuts and real casualties. The scale of the cuts is truly terrifying and is ruining this country. Let’s take a look at some of the horror stories behind the government’s cutting strategy.

Unfair Cuts to the UK Public Sector

Unfair cuts are happening to local councils, voluntary organisations, charity organizations, youth centres and old people’s homes. The extent and direction of these cuts affect the following examples:

Not for profit organizations for people with learning difficulties.

Organizations that support and help alcoholics, substance and drug abusers.

Charities that help children and young people with mental health problems.

Local youth centres and services for people with nowhere to go.

Citizen’s Advice Bureaus.

Charity organizations that help stop young people from reoffending.

Young carers projects that offer relief for children who care for a family member.

Staff that support old people in sheltered accommodation.

Charity organizations that support the disabled.

Community centres that serve homeless people.

Carers and counsellors for young disabled people.

Support and help for children with HIV.

And many more...

The consequence of this is job losses. Job losses, job losses and more job losses. And the consequence of job losses are evictions, homelessness and increase in debt. This is frightening when there are already over 1 million homeless people in this country.

Horrific Cuts to Charity Services

So according to the Government, in order to balance the books in this country we must cut services to vulnerable people until they have no support network.

A close member of my family has been affected by these government cuts. He is in his eighties and lives in sheltered accommodation. There are several old people with mental health difficulties who live in his complex. There are plans to get rid of all staff, emergency buttons and privatize the complex. Whenever I visit my family member, another resident is seen punching his door and wailing. That’s all he does. Wails and punches the door.

No one ever visits this man. He only speaks to the warden. What will happen when the warden disappears along with the emergency button? What will happen once the complex is privatized and anyone can move in? This man with mental health problems has been a victim of burglary several times and is a sitting duck for the unscrupulous. He represents thousands of people in this country who will be left with no support system whatsoever because of the government’s ‘cuts’.

Bad Solution for National Debt

According to Nick Robinson’s report Spend, spend, spend – what are politicians up to? (BBC News Politics 1 December 2014), the politicians are still spending as though there is no debt. The Coalition has pledged to spend billions upgrading the road network. Hmm.

Okay, so the roads are important, but hasn’t the government got their priorities wrong?

Good Money After Bad

The government is also pledging billions to be spent on flood defences after wet winters. And yet the government’s National Housing Strategy and a relax on planning rules is causing building to occur on floodplains anyway. Farmland in the UK is being depleted, forcing the UK to import food from the EU, to be at the mercy of the overseas prices. Taxes will go up, causing a further squeeze in this country. Again, the poor and vulnerable will suffer and more cuts are inevitable.

Labour claims they would reduce the national debt in a ‘fairer’ way by stagger-taxing the rich via a ‘mansion tax’ to homes worth over £2million. There will obviously be a huge outcry. But taxes will increase anyway. And I strongly suspect the vulnerable will be clobbered again.

Instead of investing the money where it is really needed, the money is being spent on a quick fix to look good. If support networks for the vulnerable were to stay, people would remain in jobs, the vulnerable could attain some independence and contribute to this country. Communities would have a heart. Without vital support where it is needed, the damage to this country will be costlier than the money saved from these cuts.

Link Relating to News about Unfair Government Cuts

http://www.uniteforoursociety.org/page/speakout/statutory-youth-service

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-30287011

Building development on flood plain

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2855331/Balls-mansion-tax-clobber-ordinary-voters-says-Osborne-Chancellor-believes-proposed-levy-end-applied-lower-value-properties.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Campaign_Against_Fees_and_Cuts

Government’ Housing Strategy Contributes to Houses to be Built on Floodplain and Other Unsuitable Land: Future Flooding Worries for Homes

How can it be that building is happening on water logged land? How can it be that planning had been approved on land that is known for flooding? It seems builders will build anywhere so long as there is profit to be made. Buildings insurers are loathe to insure a property that is built on a known floodplain. Time will only tell what will happen. See my time lapse video below showing houses being built on a floodplain in Nuneaton.

Time Lapse Video of Building on Flood Plain

This video show time lapse images of building work occurring on a known floodplain. Roughly 2 photos were taken per day between February and December 2014. Nuneaton is presently bearing the brunt of property developers ruining this modest market town known for George Eliot and green countryside. Not anymore. Here, we can see Davidson Homes Development, Heritage View in Nuneaton. (Read more about the horrendous building plans underway in Nuneaton on my other blog post).

Question of Compensation for Flooded Properties in the Future

Thousands of homeowners in England have suffered misery after flooding of recent years due to climate change. Towns on the River Severn, Trent and Thames are three examples. Indeed, rain and flooding has become almost synonymous with England. Measures are being taken against such disasters from occurring again, from reinforcing banks and creating flow-aways for excess water. It is reassuring to believe that we learn from the past. Don’t we…? And yet…

Housing Strategy Gone Mad: Land Grab Mentality leads to Building on Floodplain 

Bad Places to Build Houses

And yet I see development approval on known flood plains still happening. This farm field off the A47 in Nuneaton has always been black spot for flooding. Neighboring residents had put in place a drainage trench to the rear of their properties to deal with the excess water flowing into back gardens. The area concerned is located to the right of the video clip.

House Build on Floodplains: Nuneaton the Long Shoot Known for Flooding

Land is very flat in this part of Nuneaton and the soil is high in clay, meaning water does not drain away easily. I have seen water sit on these fields for weeks on end after a period of wet weather. All it takes is a few showers or a wet day for large ponds to amalgamate into larger bodies of water, lake-like in proportions.

Building almost at completion yet drainage remains a problem

Another building proposal has been put in place on a nearby field just off Eastboro Way in Nuneaton (see images below). Flooding is even worse on this proposed piece of land. In the winter of 2013, flood waters banked against the hedgerow, forming a large lake. It took months to drain away and scars remain.

Proposed building plot on floodplain

Detail of flood scars on building plot land

Lack of Flooding Compensation for Homes

If this goes ahead, the only conclusion that can be drawn is that rules on planning have been relaxed in order to satisfy the Government’s National Planning Policy Framework (NPPF) – a plan to build over 200,000 houses per year. Yes, per year. Where will this lead?

Building on Countryside

This autocratic demand on building huge developments makes it more difficult to reject planning applications, even if the land is clearly unsuitable. The Telegraph (26 November 2014) says the Government’s plans are ‘incoherent and statist’. The Labour Government has merely created a ‘land grab’ mentality for the developers in this country.

In this so-called democratic country, it should be made easier for unwanted development to be stopped.

What sort of landscape will our children see? Only a disfigured countryside. And worse, rushed housing developments that will reap problems in years to come. Building on floodplains names just one problem. What other surprises will there be in store?

News Articles about Floodplains and Flooding of Homes in Nuneaton and Warwickshire

http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/fears-flooded-nuneaton-site-earmarked-3017407

http://www.nuneaton-news.co.uk/Water-disgrace-homes-built-flood-hit-land/story-20423420-detail/story.html

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/repairs_and_bad_conditions/common_problems/how_to_prepare_for_flooding?gclid=Cj0KEQiAkdajBRCJ_7_j6sCck7wBEiQAppb2i50xLiYUf1fWbno7EM0YXW1QdIAQ2ZWO_-b2rVTVqrkaAlXv8P8HAQ

http://www.warwickshire.gov.uk/flooding

http://www.nuneaton-news.co.uk/660-homes-planshocks-council/story-20285946-detail/story.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/telegraph-view/10333503/Labours-housing-policy-is-incoherent-and-statist.html

http://www.publicfinance.co.uk/news/2011/11/housing-strategy-aims-to-build-more-than-200000-homes/

Disastrous Nuneaton Building Development Madness in George Eliot County: The Long Shoot, Weddington, Bermuda Village, Galley Common and More

There are proposed to be over 7000 houses to be built in and around the modest market town of Nuneaton, the birthplace of George Eliot. These horrible building developments are said to be needed to provide affordable homes for first time buyers, to boost economy and provide jobs – but for whom? Not the residents for sure, but the greedy builders.

Nuneaton's Horrendous Building Development

This provides nothing but misery for the Nuneaton residents. Namely because:

Nuneaton’s Crammed Population in Warwickshire.

According to the Nuneaton & Bedworth Housing Strategy 2010-15 paper, Nuneaton is already crammed compared to the rest of Warwickshire. Nuneaton possesses over 121,000 residents crammed within 30 sq miles. Rugby has 91,000 in its relatively spacious 137 sq miles. Stratford-upon-Avon has almost 118,000 residents to enjoy 377sq miles of land and the whole of North Warwickshire has 62,000 residents to spread over 110sq miles (source: Nuneaton & Bedworth Housing Strategy 2010-15). Basic maths will reveal an average family of 3-4 buying all 7000 houses will result in an extra 25,000-30,000 residents, bringing Nuneaton’s total to 150,000 residents to squeeze within 30sq miles of area.

Numerous Building Developments around Nuneaton

So, why are more houses being built in an already crammed space?

Nuneaton’s Strategy for Building

Nuneaton Borough Council have a Borough Plan up to 2028, part of a bigger strategy for how much and where building is take place. A pot of money is available for boroughs that increase the supply of new housing as part of the Government's Housing Strategy. Could this pot of money have anything to do with it? Surely not!

And now it seems some of the builders are ‘sneaking’ beneath the radar proposing developments that are not part of the strategy. This means even more homes are being built in Nuneaton area than is really permitted. Greedy builders see Nuneaton as a ‘free for all’ for building development. Get plans in and rake up the bucks!

Now look at other reasons why building in Nuneaton is madness.

Rubbish Building Development in Warwickshire

The infrastructure of Nuneaton cannot cope. At present there is only one GP surgery in the North side of Nuneaton, where over 1000 homes are proposed to be built and only two modestly-sized primary schools. Where are the extra residents to go for healthcare and education? This oversubscription means difficulty in getting appointments with the doctors. Oversubscribing will give residents no choice but to drive elsewhere, and here lies the next problem.

The traffic! The A47 (the Long Shoot), A444, Coton Road, Coventry Road, Leicester Road, Hinckley Road as well as other through roads in Nuneaton are already extremely busy. Residents cannot filter or turn right from their homes in the rush hour. The extra congestion will cause pollution levels to rise, nightmare car journeys and further black spots.

Dangerous Roads in Nuneaton due to Building Works

The Leicester Road Bridge, one of the main thoroughfares into Nuneaton, is too weak to cope with the extra traffic coming from the North of the town. This old bridge already shows cracks in the brickwork. How is it to cope with the extra traffic load?

No safety measures have been put in place for already extremely busy roads – namely around Bermuda Village, Weddington and the Long Shoot. Residents end up marooned, as there are no crossings or footbridges in place to protect resident wishing to travel on foot or cycle. Residents are putting their life at risk by crossing any of the roads and have no choice but to forbid kids from walking to school (meaning more cars, more congestion, more pollution).

Bellway Homes and Davidson Builders for example say that the Royal Park and Heritage View Estates are “conveniently located between Birmingham and Leicester, ideal for commuters”. So the houses are to attract commuters? This goes back to the previous point regarding traffic load. More cars, more pollution, more nightmare congestion and inevitable gridlock.

Nuneaton Building on Flood Plains

Building on Flood Plains, Nuneaton

Building work is being carried out on flood plains (see photos of land off the A47 above). A time lapse video of this building work can be found at the bottom of this post (scroll to bottom). Read more about my video and Nuneaton building on floodplains on my other post.

As can be seen, rainwater often collects on the surface of flat farm land off the A47 in Nuneaton, where the water has nowhere to drain away. Flooding was such a problem, that residents on that side of the road clubbed together to put in place a trench. Flooding is still a problem as can be seen on the images below.

Rainwater still doesn't drain quickly (building nearing completion)

Nuneaton Being Ruined by Builders

Beautiful countryside is being destroyed. Some of the hedgerows are centuries old, as are ponds and fields. There is no consideration for wildlife or open countryside to go for a walk. Say goodbye to countryside around Weddington, the Long shoot, Bermuda Village and Plough Hill Road in Stockingford. Nuneaton will no longer be known for being the birthplace of George Eliot and quaint buildings, but horrendous roads and massive building estates.

Cllr Barry Longden said (about the Long Shoot Plan) “I don’t see anything wrong with this outline plan, I’m happy to accept the opinions of those who are experienced. There are other junctions in the borough that are much worse than this will be and I don’t think that everyone will necessarily be turning right either.” (Nuneaton News March 8 2013).

There are a lot of ‘I’s in this statement. How can anyone know whether residents will turn right or not? And on the basis that there are other junctions that are ‘much worse than this one’ is like saying let’s have a crap junction here, but it’s ok because it is not as crap as the other junctions in the area. It is opinions like these that are ruining Nuneaton.

Misleading Building Development Plan

Gladman Development Proposed on Nuneaton's Black Spot

And now it seems the madness is continuing as Gladman Builders are now proposing to build extensively ‘off the Long Shoot’ (which makes 3 building major developments on one road!). In fact, the plans are a little misleading. The plot is more accurately described as being on the island joining Hinckley Road and Eastboro Way (an extremely busy island at that).

Residents will look at this plan, see the wording ‘off the Long Shoot’ see the blue dot, and assume the building works is to commence close to an existing building development (Bellway Homes). But the blue dot is merely to illustrate where the Long Shoot is located, not the building development itself. (See the two plans below). Would you have assumed blue dot marks the spot? I did at first. These builders are sneaky.

Gladman Builders Development Proposal isn't Accurate

The Eastboro Island is already a horrendous black-spot for accidents, speeding traffic and congestion. Even worse, there is terrible flooding problem on the field concerned. The builders want to put a play area on the flood area - to make it into a large pond or lake? Not really safe for young kids.

Residents are always ‘welcome’ to view the plans and put forward views, but it seems no matter what people say, building works will commence around Nuneaton, if not now, later.

Questions about Nuneaton Housing Developments

Questions arise about these developments. Why are so many occurring in such a small area as Nuneaton which is already the most crammed area of Warwickshire? Nuneaton was once a quaint market town known for George Eliot, steeped in history and beautiful countryside. Now it is becoming a car park.

Time Lapse Video of Building Work in Nuneaton

Links on Articles about Nuneaton Housing Development

Nuneaton’s Borough Plan

Housing Strategy and Policies

http://www.nuneaton-news.co.uk/Fury-new-homes-plan/story-21962926-detail/story.html

http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/protest-victory-nuneaton-green-field-6351589

http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/weddington-road-new-homes-plan-6422620

http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/local-news/new-nuneaton-bedworth-homes-plans-3875780

http://www.nuneaton-news.co.uk/Homes-plan-given-ahead/story-20755827-detail/story.html

http://www.nuneaton-news.co.uk/Affordable-housing-grant-approved/story-20282197-detail/story.html

Stop Repossession in its Tracks: Repossession? What Repossession?

The word repossession could one day be an obsolete word with the following golden advice on how to subvert what would appear to be certain seizure of your most prized possession. You don’t need a lottery win, a caseload of money or an imminent will-payout to save your house.

Advice on Saving Your House from the Debt Collector

Tell the creditors that your house is no longer yours to pay the debt with, as you lost your house to a friend during a round of poker last night. But since your friend already has a house to live in, he has allowed you to continue living in this one.

Tell the bailiffs that the house is built on top of an old pagan burial site and sadly report that the house unsellable with much paranormal activities going on. However, you would hate to burden these poor innocent evictors with this cursed house, but to let it remain with one guilty of numerous monetary misdemeanours. It would be a fair punishment.

Offer the bailiffs the use of the bunker underneath your house if they leave it in your name. You will promise to add a clause to the house deeds to this effect, as the threat of nuclear war is imminent. “I hereby grant the persons named below access to my bunker beneath my house for the purposes of evading nuclear attack so long as this house remains mine to do so.”

Preserve Your House in the Name of Protected Species

Tell the creditors that a rare breed of bat from the Philippines has come to roost in your loft and you have been assigned to observe their behaviour. Only you can take proper care of them, for you have come to know these bats intimately. Malcolm, Gladys and their hairy offspring have become like part of the family. Could the bailiffs live with their consciences if a rare species became extinct because of the small matter of bad credit?

Listed Buildings Exempt from Recovery

You could inform the repossessors that your house is a listed building, averse to a professional couple. Only you know how to preserve its intimate nooks and crannies and preserve its authenticity – especially the rising damp and crooked walls. That Olde Worlde touch would be lost forever if transferred to modern renovators whose aim is to knock down walls, hang some awful Jack Vettriano prints or movie posters of the Twilight series and fill the square rooms with Habitat furniture. The Time Team would take one look at the Victorian-cum-cardboard house and think, ‘Hmm. This house lacks character. There couldn’t possibly be any artefacts here. Let’s move on.” Worse, the aged feel of your prized house would be lost forever.

Subvert the Repo

With these simple strategies to saving your house from repossession, you need never suffer a sleepless night again. No need to hope for a windfall or a lottery win; all you need are some rare bats in your loft, a bunker and a poltergeist.