Stop Repossession in its Tracks: Repossession? What Repossession?

The word repossession could one day be an obsolete word with the following golden advice on how to subvert what would appear to be certain seizure of your most prized possession. You don’t need a lottery win, a caseload of money or an imminent will-payout to save your house.

Advice on Saving Your House from the Debt Collector

Tell the creditors that your house is no longer yours to pay the debt with, as you lost your house to a friend during a round of poker last night. But since your friend already has a house to live in, he has allowed you to continue living in this one.

Tell the bailiffs that the house is built on top of an old pagan burial site and sadly report that the house unsellable with much paranormal activities going on. However, you would hate to burden these poor innocent evictors with this cursed house, but to let it remain with one guilty of numerous monetary misdemeanours. It would be a fair punishment.

Offer the bailiffs the use of the bunker underneath your house if they leave it in your name. You will promise to add a clause to the house deeds to this effect, as the threat of nuclear war is imminent. “I hereby grant the persons named below access to my bunker beneath my house for the purposes of evading nuclear attack so long as this house remains mine to do so.”

Preserve Your House in the Name of Protected Species

Tell the creditors that a rare breed of bat from the Philippines has come to roost in your loft and you have been assigned to observe their behaviour. Only you can take proper care of them, for you have come to know these bats intimately. Malcolm, Gladys and their hairy offspring have become like part of the family. Could the bailiffs live with their consciences if a rare species became extinct because of the small matter of bad credit?

Listed Buildings Exempt from Recovery

You could inform the repossessors that your house is a listed building, averse to a professional couple. Only you know how to preserve its intimate nooks and crannies and preserve its authenticity – especially the rising damp and crooked walls. That Olde Worlde touch would be lost forever if transferred to modern renovators whose aim is to knock down walls, hang some awful Jack Vettriano prints or movie posters of the Twilight series and fill the square rooms with Habitat furniture. The Time Team would take one look at the Victorian-cum-cardboard house and think, ‘Hmm. This house lacks character. There couldn’t possibly be any artefacts here. Let’s move on.” Worse, the aged feel of your prized house would be lost forever.

Subvert the Repo

With these simple strategies to saving your house from repossession, you need never suffer a sleepless night again. No need to hope for a windfall or a lottery win; all you need are some rare bats in your loft, a bunker and a poltergeist.