Debt Advice for the Lazy

Who wants to get sensible debt advice when there are idle ways making money? Life’s too short for working the nine to five. So here are some creatively lazy ways of earning money if you are feeling particularly desperate for some cash for nothing.

Make Money the Lazy Way

Pay off a Loan the Easy Way

 Making money whilst in the sleeping state is the ideal way of obtaining cash. Save the waking hours for watching TV, munching pizza and other slothful activities, and let the money pour in whilst in the dream state in the following ways.

• Volunteer to take part in a sleep clinic study, the condition being to research only into the alpha state.
• Play an extra on Casualty or other medical soap as a sleeping patient or one who has popped his clogs on a gurney.
• If a sleeping patient part is not forthcoming, offer to play a prone tramp, drunk or window shop dummy.
• Become a life model. The condition being that you can bring a duvet and pillow to the art studio.
• Get paid to trial bed mattresses for a living.

Make Money without Going to Work

Earning money without working is possible, and I don’t mean becoming an author or artist, but by not working. Well, not in the normal sense anyway, such as the following preoccupations.

• Sell hair cuttings to a wig maker.
• Sell toe clippings to the next Damon Hurst for his installation at the Tate Moderne.
• Collect credit cards and melt them down into sculptures to sell on Ebay.
• Offer your spare room for rent to people’s goldfish.
• Rent the fridge out to a sperm bank company.
• Make plaster casts of your bum cheek imprints on the chair seat and sell them as paper weights.

Debt Busting Ideas for the Lazy Entrepreneur

Passive ways of making money are aplenty if the lazy debt buster stops and thinks. Or to be more precise, stops. Earning money whilst asleep is the ultimate aim, although a close proximity can be achieved, which in turn will help the debtor get a better night’s sleep.

Scare the Bill Collectors

Why panic when burly bailiffs come to the door when armed with some good advice? Indeed, when it comes to debt problems, knowledge is power. Here are some hot tips on how to get out of paying debt when the creditors pay you a visit.

How to Deal with Bailiffs at the Door

Make Friends with your Credit Card

 If the credit agency pays a visit to lay the heavy treatment, try the following:

• Flirt with them.
• Fake an epileptic fit.
• Offer them a cup of tea.
• Plead insanity.
• Or say it wasn’t you. It was Colin, the credit card. He kept telling you to spend. Speeennnd!” What else were you supposed to do but do what the voices told you?

How to Get out of Paying Debt the Silly Way

Before the debtors pay a visit, get a change of name deed signed and witnessed. If the bailiffs say, “Mr Bloggs, we have come to serve notice on your property.” You can say, “I’m sorry, there is no Mr Bloggs living here but I am Mr Blarggs. Perhaps I may be able to help. Would you like a cup of tea?”

You could claim that one of the bailiffs is your long lost son. With a little detail on his background, you could embellish a little. Begin by saying his nose is long and hooked like your first lost boyfriend who had run off when he got you up the duff. Shame about the adoption... oh, it was about thirty years ago. The boy would be about...oooh, the same age as you.

Before the bailiffs come to your door, unscrew the door numbers along the road and switch them around. If you live at number 53, renumber the houses thus: 51, 51a, 55 etc. Or why not do a total reshuffle of numbers, such as: 24, 57, 81, 74, etc.

Scare off the Debt Recovery Agents

Claim your husband is a genital doctor, and you were wondering if the treatment was working OK? Remark that the bailiff is looking a little peaky today. But will drop the subject about his privates if he leaves the furniture where it is.

Bandage your arm against your torso and pretend you are an amputee. Tell them you would help them with the lugging, but cannot lift the cabinet with one arm.

How to Escape the Creditor's Visit

So there you are. Never fear if the debtors come to your door. With the aforementioned advice, you will be able to defend yourself or scare them off and finally say goodbye to debt and those nasty debt recovery companies for good.

Notice of Default Sums for Bums

How to Deal with Bank Letters

In the face of climate change, the debtor may experience a fit of conscience before disposing of numerous default letters printed on lovely crisp paper. It is a shame that a notice of debt should be the fate of some poor tree. Well, here are alternative suggestions to give those final demands a new lease of life.

Save Money Using Creditor’s Letters

 Why not use the creditor’s letters to save money? This might help reverse the association of “debt” with “final demand”. Here are some creative ideas on turning debt on its head for good use in the home.

Shred up the final demands and use them for a compost heap. Combined with teabags, vegetable peelings and old leaves, shredded up bank letters help to oxygenate the mixture and contribute to a better harvest next year. Furthermore, the quality of the paper banks use is good.

Of course, you could use the bank summons as toilet paper, an old idea, but still useful.

Use the shredded up bank statements for loft insulation. This will help save on heating bills. Simply stuff into plastic bags and line the loft floor with them.

Make paper clothes out of them. Tramps have proved that newspapers have insulation value, so why not bank reminders? Simply obtain a clothes pattern, cut and cellotape together. Avoid wearing in the rain or the paper will perish. Or snow for that matter. Oh, and don’t walk on puddles, or on mud. Other than that, the paper clothes should serve you well.

If the bailiffs have taken off with your furniture, why not use the shreddings to stuff bin bags for cushions. This would be a more comfy option than sitting on the floor.

Bailiff Letters and What to Do With Them

But if the debtor is feeling in a creative mood, here are some further suggestions on what to do with creditor’s letters.

• Make paper Mache out of them. Mixed with some PVA glue, this could provide a great pastime for kids. Grown up kids can make themselves useful by making paper Mache corner units or shelves which could almost be the real thing.
• Use the shreddings as a compress for a sore elbow. All that repetitive strain from hanging up on the creditors can be stressful on the joint.
• Stick the final demands on the walls as a progressive style of wallpaper. You never know, it could catch on.
• Save up the shreddings and sell to the next Damon Hurst for the Tate Moderne. Reap some satisfaction at the sight of a floor covered in bank statement shreddings winning the Turner Prize.
• If a white Christmas is not forthcoming, line the garden with the shredded paper to make it look like snow. The kids will love it.

Useful Ideas for Final Demand Letters

So there you have it. With these helpful suggestions you will never look at a final demand letter in the same way again. In fact, you might feel a little cheery when you see the postie present another one for you.